Well, in reality this doesn't happen. Sorry.
Sometimes you just don't have enough time to strike up that conversation at the bar/party/grocery store...that's where the art of giving your number comes in handy.
I did such a thing (shocking, I know!). His name was "Joshua", and he was very attractive, educated, funny and nice. I received the first texts while I was in Massachusetts for New Year's, with my flight back down to where we lived in Virginia in two days. If we hit it off via text, why not see if there was any more chemistry?
The texts were charming in the beginning, as the night drew on they turned a bit strange. I wasn't too concerned, my good friend Jamie Foxx told me to blame it on the alcohol, and so I did. He's drunk, I figured. He couldn't comprehend why I wouldn't be in Virginia with him for New Year's, and kept trying to get me to switch my flight to that night (it was about 1:30 AM at that point).
Note: The conversation has been edited for privacy. I don't want him to find it and go all Craigslist killer on me, so most personal information has been deleted, but I assure you all texts are legitimate.
Note: No, I haven't seen the Lifetime movie yet. Yes, I'm absolutely dying to.
When I kept insisting that this wasn't possible, he switched to other tactics to guilt me into it...
modesty
I should have red-flagged this more seriously then. The next day, I got some stranger texts, mainly him talking about his father, and how he had died in February. I felt bad for the kid, I still didn't know him very well, but still, losing a parent must be hard. Well that was one giant Pandora's box that shouldn't have been opened.
Apparently, his father had "turned gay and left our family" to live in DC and do drugs. He said that he had gotten involved with some shady people and that things were pretty bad...at this point I was getting pretty concerned. If you don't really know someone, and you're attempting to date them, you probably shouldn't pull out your arsenal of dark and dirty family secrets immediately. Just sayin'
Uh oh.
So by now, little red flags show up in my mind every time my phone indicates I have a new text. I rarely respond to them now, but when I do it's usually pretty vague or generic so as not to encourage anything while still attempting to be polite. Yeah, that doesn't work FYI. Pretty soon, he was inviting me to google his father's obituary.
Yes, Joshua. Really freaked out.
I am no longer responding at this point, but if I do it's a subtle hint that he shouldn't be saying these things to me. I don't want to be rude, but it's late, I'm tired and my flight is in the morning. This doesn't stop him though, he continues to soldier on.
Sweet Jesus there is NO way I'm calling.
Now he's finally noticing that I'm no longer responding. He moves on to more bold moves and begins trying to evoke sympathy from me. He tells me that his grandfather is in the hospital and that it's "lonely in this waiting room with no pretty girls to hold my hand". I'm not falling for it. An hour or so goes by and I get the text I've been dreading (and not just because he has suddenly decided to call me "babe")...
NO, I didn't ask him what the mean thing was. Ignorance is bliss.
Well, I'm not a monster. I just lost both of my grandfathers within weeks of each other, and this is a huge soft spot for me.
Wait...what?
Now, I'm no medical expert, and it's clear that Joshua isn't either, but generally if you're:
A. In the hospital with him
B. Listening to the doctors
C. Sober
D. Past the age of most kindergartners
...you can probably figure out within the past seven hours if your beloved grandfather is dead or not.
That's it for me. I'm done now. I don't care. That's pretty low. Again, I stop responding and a few days later I hear my phone buzz while I'm sleeping.
Weary? Yeah, that's one word for it.
Here's a tip for all the single ladies out there - if a guy has to tell you that he's "totally safe", there's a 90% chance that he isn't.
So here we are, days later. Still no responses from me, yet his crusade continues. Now he's taken to drunk texting me nonsense at 3:50 AM. Lovely.
So the next time you see that cute guy you don't know very well and you want to slip him some digits, think twice. Sure, I'm safe and sound now, however there was a large probability that I would've ended up featured in his bedroom as his newest lampshade. I'm rather attached to my skin (har har) unfortunately, and as such I say "Good day, to you sir" Joshua, and wish you all the best on your quest for a ladyfriend with which you can make a charming addition to your living room set.
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